


Funderstaffed

by miraisen



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (i had to use multiple tags for mr smiley bc i dont know what tag's generally used rip), Camp Pining Hearts, F/F, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-23
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-08-24 02:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8353504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraisen/pseuds/miraisen
Summary: Peridot gets a job at Funland in order to afford a DVD of her favorite TV series, and ends up bonding with her new boss over two certain special someones in their lives.





	1. Alternatives

**Author's Note:**

> hi, this is my second fic and i'm very excited to write it!! i've had the idea of peridot helping poor mr smiley at funland ever since too short to ride aired, and future boy zoltron just made it for me, so i had to write it! it's going to be multichapter, i hope you guys enjoy and look forward to it! shoutout to @uproaring for the great fic title!

“But Lapis!”

 

“I said _no_ , Peridot. We can’t just ask for Steven to get us anything we want. And, you know, it’s not really him who gets the stuff we ask for, it’s his dad, and I’m pretty sure we’ve caused him enough trouble already,” said an adamant Lapis Lazuli to a high-strung Peridot, who looked like a small puppy that had been abandoned in the rain.

 

But this puppy wasn’t about to give up just because a water-controlling gem rained on her parade, oh no, she’d keep pushing. “Trouble? Oh _please_ , like what? Plus, I’m sure Mr. Dad will understand! I mean, it’s a new Camp Pining Hearts season, Lapis! And they’re EXCLUSIVELY releasing it through DVD! It’s like they’re trying to attack me specifically!”

 

Lapis gave her an empty look, the kind which could only be prompted by Peridot’s rants about media alone, and crossed her arms.

 

“Trouble like that time you told me about when you pushed him off the roof because you wanted to see if he could fly.”

 

Peridot gulped. “I… well… well how was I supposed to know he couldn’t?! I had to learn somehow! And he said it was okay!”

 

“Peridot, he doesn’t even have wings.”

 

“Well you don’t have wings all the time and you CAN fly!”

 

The blue gem flipped her hair nonchalantly, and simply replied that “yeah, but when I do, I DO have wings. Also, you have a mouth.”

 

“What’s that got to do with flying? Are you suggesting I grow wings out of my vocal chords, as though my words gave me the freedom to ascend through the sky? Because if you are that’s very poetic Laz, maybe we should do a meepmorp about it later!”

 

Lapis decided to ignore what her roommate said, the reason she said it, agree that they should, and insist that they shouldn’t trouble Greg or Steven about it.

 

Peridot decided to give it up, be excited about their new morp, and desist on her ideas of getting Steven or his dad to help them. She understood Lapis still felt a bit guilty about the boat incident, though she would never catch her saying it out loud.

 

But just because she couldn’t ask for their direct assistance, that didn’t mean she couldn’t get help in a more passive way.

 

 

* * *

 

 

This was it. One final piece and he’d have finished the abominable 612 pieces long puzzle, worth 4 hours in puzzle purgatory. Steven slowly moved to place the final piece in the middle, almost tasting victory, when a gremlin warped into his house late at night and started screaming at him.

 

“Steven, you have to help me!” she yelled, and if a bystander had been there to take note, they probably would have claimed her screeching made it to the room before her physical form even did.

 

The poor boy had been so focused in the puzzle, he got exceptionally startled by the noise, and wound up scrambling all of it in his distress.

 

He stared down at it for a good while, completely silent.

 

“Steven?”

 

The eponymous child wordlessly threw all the pieces off the table with a frown, sat back down on the couch crossing his arms and mumbled something about how “of course it’s never Stevey time” and “Pearl would’ve been so proud of me” under his breath, took a moment to calm down, breathe, and think of peace and love. Peridot observed with wide eyes and a shut mouth.

 

After taking another long breath, he looked at Peridot with an expression that one could only describe as that of an upset puppy. “Hi Peridot,” he said in a strained voice.

 

“Uhhhh, hello. Did I…” she looked at the former puzzle laying in the ground. “…interrupt something?”

 

Steven’s eyes followed her gaze to the ground, then met her eyes again. “It’s fine.”

 

“Are you sure that’s true? Because it seems you’ve gotten quite… upset.”

 

He cocked his head, still smiling, though he looked quite dead inside at the moment. “Don’t worry about it.”

 

Peridot _did_ worry about it, but clearly Steven wanted her to let it be, so she did. “ _Ahem_. So you’re probably wondering why I came here. I’m sure you know the Camp Pining Hearts writers decided to release the brand new season exclusively through DVD,” she started, and Steven groaned, dropping his fake smile and being brought back to life, if only by the power of Peridot’s insufferable rants.

 

“Yeah, figures,” he said, though he wasn’t truly annoyed or upset anymore. “Do you want some money to buy it? I’m sure dad could give you some.”

 

“See, we _could_ do that, and it would be _so_ much simpler, but Lapis doesn’t want to.”

 

“Oh, really? Why?”

 

She shrugged. “Who knows,” she lied, _she_ knew. “But I have decided to respect her wishes and look for alternatives. I was wondering if I could get your assistance on this matter?”

 

Steven gasped, looking excited. “You want me to help you find a job?”

 

“I _have_ a job. Or well, jobs. I’m a certified kindergartener, technician, and now proud farmer!”

 

Steven laughed. “No, no. I’m talking about a job that you’ll get paid for.”

 

Peridot seemed intrigued. “With something other than the satisfaction of knowing I did great?”

 

“Hmm, that and getting paid with money to buy stuff with.”

 

She immediately lit up, giggling. “Then this is perfect! Where can I get one of these money jobs?”

 

“I can help you job hunting! But…” he looked out the window. “Now is probably too late. But I’ll definitely get back to you tomorrow!” he smiled, and got a little emotional. “Oh, Peridot, you’re going to work! I’m so proud of you!”

 

“I mean, I’ve been working ever since I was made, but, thanks,” she deadpanned.

 

The boy didn’t care what she said, he was already hugging her and crying.


	2. The Offer

It was well after noon when Steven made his way to the barn, and was immediately greeted by the sight of Lapis, who was making a meepmorp of what seemed to be tea bags.

 

She wore a frown and her tongue was stuck out in concentration, but upon raising her gaze and seeing her friend, she immediately lit up.

 

“Steven!”

 

“Hey Lapis!” he greeted, and hugged the gem. “How’s it going?”

 

“Eh, you know,” she said, eyeing her work in progress, “the usual.”

 

The boy gazed at it in wonder. He was always very supportive of their, well, not art, they didn’t quite take to the term at all, but he loved it all the same. “Oohh, what are you working on?”

 

“It’s a tower of tea bags. It reminds me of the time we had tea together, but Peridot said my work ‘can be too literal’, so I put many of them and made a tower just to spite her.”

 

“Oh, I get it! The tower’s supposed to represent the small, pent-up burdens and hardships of sharing a home, stacking like the bricks of a tower!” Steven said, feeling like an art critic at the MoMA.

 

“…sure,” she lied. “Anyway, what’s up? Did you need anything or did you come by to hang out?”

 

The child suddenly remembered he was a boy with a mission, and smiled excitedly. “I came by looking for Peridot, actually! Is she around?” he asked, looking around for signs of her. “We can hang out later if you want though!”

 

Lapis smiled at him. “That’s okay, this morp isn’t going to finish itself. Also, Peridot went out about an hour ago, but she should be back in a while.”

 

“What’d she go out for?”

 

Lapis didn’t even need to speak, because the answer to the boy’s question was a proud Peridot entering the barn with a pile of empty beehives in her arms. Needless to say, Steven was puzzled.

 

“Steven! What brings you to our humble dwelling?” Peridot said like she was a proper host and not an alien holding a bunch of beehives for some random reason.

 

“I… What are those for?”

 

She looked down at her arms. “You mean these _hives_? They’re for my next big meepmorp!”

 

Steven just looked at her as if the action somehow communicated the message ‘elaborate.’ It didn’t.

 

“He wants to know what you’re going to use them for,” Lapis told her roommate, who was just staring back at Steven.

 

“Oh! Well, you see, as I’ve documented on my cheep account, in one of many of my adventures I encountered these small but ferocious creatures called _bees_. Incidents with them aside, I decided to investigate, and so I came up with these structures they built to serve as their home!”

 

“But couldn’t they come back and be a problem later?”

 

She grinned smugly as if she had anticipated the question, which she did, and chuckled. “That won’t be a problem. I’ve observed these lifeforms for various rotations now, and they’ve made no move to return at any point. It got me thinking about how the abandonment of their former bases may have happened, and I ended up relating it to my experiences with Homeworld and Earth, so I thought I should make a morp about it.”

 

This had apparently broken Steven’s heart, who was now frowning with mild worry. “Aw, Peridot…”

 

She smiled at him, something that came to her more naturally with each passing day. “It’s okay. Anyway, why did you come here?” she asked nervously, realizing she overshared just a little.

 

Steven once again remembered his forgotten task, and got excited. “Oh! I came to tell you I know just the place where you can get a job at!”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah! You remember Funland, right?”

 

Peridot nodded. “Yes, the land where you go to have fun. What about it?”

 

“Well, I was thinking about it, and I remembered how tired Mr. Smiley looked, and thought he could use some help!”

 

Peridot considered for a moment. She turned to Lapis. “What do you think?”

 

“Well, last night you said you were planning on finding a way to get the DVD yourself, and if I was the tired owner of a funland I’d definitely give you goods in exchange for your service,” Lapis stated deadpan, and Steven wondered how she understood so much about basic economics.

 

The green gem didn’t care though, and was beaming at her roommate. “It’s settled then! Steven, tell the mister I will be headed there to provide my assistance right now!”

 

“No, Peridot, that’s not how it works! First you have to go through an interview with him to know if he wants to hire you!”

 

 

“Of course he wants to hire me! I’m more than qualified for whatever job this is and _clearly_ he is in great need of assistance!” she responded, baffled.

 

“Yeah but, even if we think he definitely needs help with all the rides, it’s up to him to hire you or not,” Steven reflected.

 

Peridot pondered at that. After a while, her face lit up, and the other two eyed her curiously.

 

“Steven, do you think I could convince this Mr. Smiley to hire me today?”

 

He blinked. “He’s probably busy, but I think-“

 

“Then let’s go!” she cut him off, grabbing him by the hand and running out the barn. “Lapis, I’ll be back after I convince this human to hire me!”

 

Lapis gave her thumbs up from the distance as she made it to the warp pad dragging Steven behind her, with the solid goal of getting the job in mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys are enjoying it so far! i'm really grateful for all the kudos bookmarks & comments!!  
> next chapter: peridot and steven persuade mr smiley into actually believing hiring an alien is actually the best bussiness choice he could make in his life, ever


	3. The Interview

It was a beautiful day, and Funland was lively and full of people- as it always was, though Peridot and Steven couldn’t care less as they walked past the entrance sign. They came here with a goal and were determined to find the gem’s probably-soon-to-be boss.

 

“Where do you think he could be?”

 

“I don’t know; do I look like I work here yet?”

 

The boy responded with an eye roll, but as fate would have it, the orbiting of his eyes resulted in him locating Mr. Smiley. He tapped Peridot’s shoulder to get her attention, and pointed towards the man, who was about to fall asleep while leaning on the ring tossing booth.

 

The gem lit up, getting excited and giving Steven a celebratory high-five, until she realized she had no idea what to tell the man.

 

Steven noticed her sudden dismay. “What’s wrong, Peridot?” he asked, worried.

 

She looked at him, and then tied her stare to the ground. “I… just happened to realize I have no actual idea of how I’m going to convince this human.”

 

“Oh! Well, I think we have to ask him if he’s willing to hire anyone,” Peridot mouthed ‘ _of course he does can’t you see him he’s desperate_ ’ as Steven said this, but he didn’t notice. “After that, I’m pretty sure you need to have an interview with him to see if your, uh, skill and profile and stuff fit what he’s looking for!”

 

She raised her eyebrows. “That seems ridiculous for many reasons, mainly because I do believe I am the ideal candidate, and partly because I seem to be the _only_ candidate.”

 

“Yeah, but... you never know with people. Even if he does look like he definitely needs to get some rest,” he said while eyeing the man who was wavering back and forth in his quarrel against sleep casually, “ I don’t know how willing he’d be to let someone work here.”

 

That made Peridot reflect on human behavior and the strange ways their society works, as one does. She supposed Mr. Smiley’s hypothetical hesitation to let her take on as his assistant would probably stem from his theoretical unwillingness to entrust someone else with a facility he’s responsible for. She could conjecturally relate.

 

Even so, she could not yield. With time, she had learned that one must not give up in the face of probable failure, but rather come up with new solutions, even if it meant the ones she liked better had to be abandoned. She had no problem applying this to things; in things she found certainty. They had a function and, as such, needed to be ruled by predictability, but beings were different. Beings made her nervous. They were bound by their own free will, which made them (and her, she supposed) unpredictable. She still struggled to understand how to deal with the unexpected and handle the knowledge that it was absolutely okay to just _be_ , but she liked to believe she was getting better at it.

 

This would have to be a test to that belief, she guessed. She looked at Steven, who had an expectant look on his face.

 

“Well… we won’t know until we try, right?”

 

He smiled at her and nodded. “Ready to go?”

 

“I was made ready,” she said, though all she thought was _we all know you’re lying but okay if it helps you go ahead and live in denial._

 

She took her brain’s advice and made her way to the booth with Steven while thinking of strategies to convince this Mr. Smiley that yes, she _is_ the ideal candidate. She rang the booth’s bell to no avail, since Mr. Smiley just kept on counting fun sheep in his sleep. She proceeded to do it multiple times, which made him instantly wake up, alarmingly looking from side to side, until he took in the sight of the small green alien and her equally tiny friend.

 

“Oh, hey!” He yawned, following it with a short laugh. “Sorry, I was working smarter, not harder, for a bit, haha!”

 

Steven had that uncomfortable look he got when he knew something was wrong and he so badly wanted to point it out but he couldn’t out of politeness, so he settled with laughing awkwardly. Peridot was simply indifferent.

 

“Anyway, you guys want to give it a shot? We got new prizes!”

 

Steven looked at the various rewards attached to the booth, and all he saw was the same multitude of green beings with the addendum of two floppy bears.

 

“…I really only see two new ones.”

 

“Yeah, two new prizes.”

 

Peridot cleared her throat to get both humans’ attention, since they had clearly drifted off topic. “Excuse me, but that is not why we’re here today. We actually came here to make you an offer.”

 

Mr. Smiley’s face seemed to have gotten stern all of a sudden. “Sorry, but I’m not selling you Funland no matter how much loot you got.”

 

Steven waved his hands in the air as if to physically refute the statement. “No, no! We actually wanted to ask you if you’d be interested in hiring any employees to help you with work here.”

 

The man seemed surprised, and blinked twice as if he had trouble processing it. “That’s… Aren’t you a little young to have a job, Steven?”

 

“I have a job, and it’s saving the world!” he exclaimed, trying to ignore the fact that apparently he wasn’t too young when he spent all day telling fortunes, but it was okay because he offered to anyway. “But it’s not for me, it’s for Peridot.”

 

He turned to her. “Oh. I don’t know… We haven’t really done that whole staff thing ever since I became the owner of Funland, y’know?”

 

“How can you say ‘we’ if you’re the only one who’s been working here since then?” she retorted. Mr. Smiley laughed.

 

“You got me there! But see, I don’t have any real reason to, I already know how to handle the place by myself just fine.”

 

Peridot and Steven both looked him up and down. “Really.”

 

“Yeah, I don’t see anyone complaining!” he stated proudly.

 

“But you’re a mess,” Peridot said bluntly, which made Steven immediately hide his face in his hands in consequence of his second-hand embarrassment.

 

Mr. Smiley, however, felt baffled. The fact this alien friend of Steven’s would come all the way here with the hopes of him giving her a job and then just dead on voice her thoughts on him was nothing short of bewildering, and yet he was actually interested, if a little insulted. Though he had to admit, she had a point.

 

“Okay, I hear you,” he said, amusedly.

 

Steven slowly uncovered his face to get a visual reality check as he really could not believe things had wickedly worked out on Peridot’s favor, in spite of her lack of anything vaguely resembling filter. On another hand, Peridot kept ignoring that and seemed delighted.

 

“Excellent! I should begin by making the compelling argument that I’m an exceptional technician, although I do strive hard to work in any area, even those which I do not completely understand or excel at,” she started with the aura of business person trying to sell you their hottest new product, which Peridot, of course, considered would be the fruit of her every labor.

 

“And blunt as a spoon, too,” he laughed. “So, you got skill and will, but what I want to know is: what do you got to offer that I can really make an use for?”

 

The goblin pointed a single finger-gun at him with a sly grin, and annoyingly offered “ _Unlimited hibernation_ ” in a vexing tone. He wasn’t impressed.

 

“I meant to Funland as a business and to me as a businessman.”

 

“What if I offer you things you can use for Funland as a fun-having land and you as the overexerted human being you are?”

 

Okay, time for Steven to meddle.

 

“Haha, she’s got jokes too! Isn’t she great?” the boy frantically included with a sweaty grin.

 

"Sure,” the man replied through the gritted teeth of a forced, annoyed smile.

 

“Anyway, there’s lots of pros to hiring this green piece of work over here,” he said while (still sweatily) gesturing at her with both of his hands. She stared blankly in return.

 

Mr. Smiley however seemed to have his interested piqued again. “Oh yeah?”

 

“Yeah! Peridot’s a gem, which basically means she’s an alien from space, but it also means she’s not a registered citizen! She doesn’t need to be a registered worker, which means minimum wage and taxes probably don’t apply to her, or have an insurance since she’s _really_ resistant to accidents, which saves you a lot of paperwork _and_ money!”

 

That made Mr. Smiley sit up straighter, now this was a conversation he could get into. Meanwhile, Peridot didn’t understand half the things Steven said, but she still nodded furiously to all of it to appear more convincing.

 

Sensing Mr. Smiley’s increased attention, Steven continued. “Also, gems don’t need to eat, and Peridot lives in a farm with our friend Lapis, so I think that leaves coverage for household budget off the table. I think you’d be saving a lot of money and getting a lot of weight off your shoulders, so it’s a solid deal in this humble boy’s opinion!”

 

Steven’s extensive knowledge of labour law and economics stumped Mr. Smiley, but he figured he probably learned a thing or two from Greg. He was actually feeling pretty convinced by their case, but…

 

“Wait, if you don’t need any of those covered, what do you want the job for?”

 

The gem beamed and clasped her hands together. “Oh! Well, I really have no interest or true comprehension of this system you humans use as a form of organization and as a means of production, and I find it impractical and frankly foolish, but a new season of Camp Pining Hearts will be released exclusively through DVD soon, and I had none of these ‘dollars’ you use to exchange for goods, though to be honest I’d be purchasing a huge _bad_ , am I right?” She laughed until Steven gestured at her to keep going. “Oh, sorry, off topic.

 

“So I asked Steven for a solution to this dilemma, and he introduced me to the possibility of acquiring a _job_ to earn money myself, and that’s why we’re here!”

 

Well, Mr. Smiley really didn’t expect Steven’s wacky alien friend who loves TV and is probably a communist to come to his business to convince him to give her a job, yet here they were. He couldn’t help but genuinely laugh at the situation.

 

“You know what, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but sure, why not?”

 

Steven and Peridot immediately begun celebrating excitedly, sharing another congratulatory high-five and yelling. Once they were done, Peridot’s logic seemed to ground her and started prodding her with questions which needed to be asked.

 

“Wait, how do we do this? What is the correct procedure in these sort of establishments? When do I work? Should I start now?”

 

“Wow, wow, slow down a bit! First things first, I’m not that sure myself. I guess we’ll learn on the fly,” he said as Steven explained that no, they weren’t going to learn anything about flies, they’d just learn how to work together as they went to Peridot. “And I don’t think you should start now, just get ready for it I guess. Do you have any phone numbers or ways I can contact you or something?”

 

Steven was about to appoint himself as her surrogate contact, but Peridot immediately bust through with “I have a cheep account!”

 

He chuckled. “Of course you do.”

 

As they continued to exchange information, Steven smiled at his friend feeling proud and maybe a little emotional. He brushed off a single tear. Only a little emotional.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi guys, sorry this one took so long, hope you enjoyed it!! many thanks to everyone who gave me tips on work law stuff, it was very helpful!! i hope you look forward to the next chapter as well!


	4. Getting Started

About two weeks had passed since Peridot’s eventful job interview, many things happening in between, new dog-child included. She kept herself busy and confident that eventually she would get contacted by Mr. Smiley, because they seriously both needed this, in her honest opinion.  
  


Of course, she was out being chased by bees when he finally did. Lapis was there when the tablet buzzed though, and told her roommate about it when she got back.  
  


“Here,” she said, handing the device to Peridot, who earnestly grabbed it.

  
“Ohhh, I wonder which one of my followers it is!”

  
“It’s the human you told me about, the smiles guy,” Lapis said nonchalantly.

  
Peridot didn’t have the luxury of caring so little, and almost dropped the tablet multiple times in her excitement to see the message.

  
Harold Smiley @TheHaroldSmiley  
@PERIDOT5XG hey there! Sorry it took me so long to contact you, mind dropping by and starting today?

  
@TheHaroldSmiley I’M ON MY WAY!!!! THIS IS THE BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME FOR ALL OF US, CAMP PINING TRASH HERE I COME

  
@PERIDOT5XG haha, just don’t take too long!

  
“Yes! Lapis, I got the money job!” she said, jumping in place with enthusiasm.

  
“I could tell but, congratulations anyway. Do you have to start now?”

  
“Yeah!” As soon as she replied, she suddenly realized it’d mean leaving Lapis alone periodically for a good part of the day. “That’s okay right? I mean, I don’t want you to be alone or anything-”  
  


“Oh,” Lapis seemed surprised for a second, and then snorted. “Yeah, don’t worry about it.”  
  


“Don’t laugh at me, I was sincerely worried for a moment there!”

  
The blue gem smiled serenely. “I know, but seriously, I’ll be fine. You won’t be gone all day and I have Pumpkin. If I get bored I’m sure I can spend time with Steven anyway. Or bother you at work,” she mischieviously added.  
  


“That’d reflect poorly on my work ethic!! Probably,” she scrunched up her face. “Humans are weird.”  
  


“Well,” Lapis said, turning to fly back to the TV, “then don’t make me miss you too much. See ya.”

  
Peridot was slightly flustered for a second, but snapped back to reality a few seconds later. Her cheeks still felt hot, though.

  
“Right!!! I’ll see you later!"

 

* * *

  
  
“Ok, so the basic gist of it is you gotta be everywhere, anytime. Sounds hard but I think I did it on my own just fine. Take it easy though,” Mr. Smiley said, walking Peridot through her new job.

  
“It would be nice if we could build warp pads in this place or something. Funland is not too big but I believe it would definetely increase efficiency. Pity,” she lamented.

  
Mr. Smiley laughed at that. “This isn’t some sci-fi movie though, we don’t have the technology for that kinda thing! But I gotta say, it would be pretty cool!”

  
“Maybe you don’t,” Peridot mumbled under her breath. “Anyway, the regular work schedule starts when my tablet marks the time as 10 ‘A’ ’M’?”  
  
“And ends at 6 p.m., yeah. I called you in a bit earlier today so I could explain what you gotta do with time to spare.”  
  
“Essentially, don’t let the place fall apart, right?”  
  
He snapped his fingers. “Exactly. Pay attention to where people go, where you need to be. I think I left instructions for each game in the booths, so if you’re confused by anything you can read those. Or call me.”  
  
“You can count on me!” Peridot said, and she truly meant it.  

 

* * *

 

 

Peridot mainly stuck around the booth area, while Mr. Smiley took care of the bigger attractions.

 

She was… okay at it, in her opinion. She didn’t get why humans needed supervision for things devised for their own entertainment, wasn’t Earth all about just 'winging’ it?

  
She had asked Mr. Smiley as much once when closing up, deciding to demonstrate by playing in a booth she hadn’t been in yet, a water gun with a target.

  
“I mean, this is so straightforward! Look,” she said, as she hit the target as well as she could, which was actually pretty good.

  
Mr. Smiley waited until Peridot cleared the game and celebrated to ask, “now what?”

  
“Huh?”

  
“You won the game, what do you do now?”

  
“I mean, the other games seem to have an award system so it’d be safe to assume this one does as well but…” she looked around for any signs of a prize lying around, “I can’t seem to find any here. Does it operate on a different system?”

  
He shook his head solemnly. “Nah, since Funland is so big I keep prizes instead of tickets in the booths so it doesn’t get mixed up with the Arcade, so you’re not wrong.”

  
Well, she was just confused now. “Then why can’t I find any here? I did win! Am I to assume I should just claim a prize from the other booths?” she threw the water gun to the floor, frustrated. “This is bad customer service!”

  
Mr. Smiley roared with laughter at that, much to Peridot’s chagrin. At long last (at least it seemed that way to her, anyway) he spoke.

  
“That’s why we need to supervise people, young lady.”

  
“I’m much older than you. What do you mean?”

  
The man pointed at a sign the gem’s sight completely neglected, which read 'out of service’.

  
“If people played this game and ignored the sign like you did, won then got mad that they didn’t win anything, that’d be bad for bussiness. Plus they probably didn’t pay to play,” he reflected, squinting at some distant previous memory of this scenario happening in the past.

  
“Oh. Ohhhh,” she sputtered, suddenly comprehending. “But… it works just fine? Why’s it maked out of order?”

  
“Yup. Gotta find a way to rig it. Anyway, that’s what I pay you to do Peridot, follow people around, keep them happy and keep them from wrecking the place. And my wallet.”

  
She nodded. It’s true she was mainly doing this for the cash but, it’s always nice understanding why certain things are done, so she could certainly apprecciate the explanation.

  
“Thank you,” she said sincerely, before switching to a more vexing tone. “And you know, in my opinion, human incompetence is a rig on its own right, so you could put this game up for the general public if they’re gonna blow it with their baseless self-confidence anyway.”

  
He scratched his mustache, considering. “Hubris as a rig… I like it! When I get new prizes I’ll put it back up for bussiness, how about it?”

  
“Seems great! Maybe some of the green friends, with the big head?”

  
“I mean, I was thinking water creatures, but sure, I’ll add those too.”

  
“Cool!” Peridot said, pretending she wasn’t absolutely planning to get Lapis to cheat to get all the awards.

  
“Ok, I’ll see you tomorrow, don’t be late!”

  
She scoffed. “As if. Bye!” she ran off waving, snickering to herself. _Oh Peridot, you absolute legend,_ she thought to herself.

  
Mr. Smiley waved back as he pretended he didn’t hear her giggling manically. Weird girl.

 

* * *

 

 

Today Funland was slow. Peridot would’ve imagined it would be a nice change from the manic everywhere-all the time pace, but it was actually pretty boring, ironically. Heh. That would make for a good cheep, repetitive as it was.

 

PERIDOT @PERIDOT5XG  
TODAY I WOULD RENAME FUNLAND AS BORINGLAND. BECAUSE IT’S A LAND WHERE YOU GO TO BE BORED. HA

 

She giggled for a while at her own work, and then realized it actually felt… pretty nice to insult the place she works at. _Venting,_ she thought.

  
PERIDOT @PERIDOT5XG  
MR SMILEY KEEPS SAYING NOT TO GET DISTRACTED WITH MY TECH AT WORK, BUT THERE IS NO WORK. I FOUND A LOOPHOLE YOU CLOD

  
PERIDOT @PERIDOT5XG  
“CLEAN UP THE PRIZES THE ONION HUMAN SET ON FIRE LAST WEEK” THEY’RE ALL ASH. WHY DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO CONSUME ASH

  
PERIDOT @PERIDOT5XG  
I GUESS MY BOSS IS NICE BUT YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICER? CLOSING UP ON DAYS LITERALLY NO ONE IS HERE. CLODDDDD

  
PERIDOT @PERIDOT5XG  
HE KEEPS TELLING ME TO “CHANGE” MY “RINGTONE” BECAUSE ITS “NEIGH CORE”. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN BESIDES YOU HAVING NO TASTE

  
She sighed heartily, content to let her complaints out, and composed so artfully at that. She was what the humans would call, comedy master, in her humble opinion.

 

Her bubble of false ego got popped by the buzz of her floating tablet beside her. Her fans must love her, she assumed, inaccurately.

  
steven! @cookiekitty  
@PERIDOT5XG hey idk if u noticed but ur kinda mutuals with ur boss lmao this is brutal. this is amethyst by the way. yo

 

@cookiekitty WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WE ARE MUTUAL WORKERS BUT I BELIEVE THE TERM IS COWORKERS

  
@cookiekitty ALSO WHAT DOES LMAO STAND FOR AND WHY ARE YOU USING STEVEN’S ACCOUNT

  
@PERIDOT5XG i dont have an account peridog i ate my last phone. lmao stands for laughing meaningfully and orizontally. the h is silent

  
@PERIDOT5XG also mutuals means you follow him and he follows your cheep account. so hes gonna see this epic subcheep lol

  
@cookiekitty WHAT’S A SUBCHEEP. IS IT ONE OF THE FOODS YOU LIKE TO EAT

  
@PERIDOT5XG no thats a sub and chips but now im hungry. it means ur vagueing him (trashtalk! - steven) and he like, can see it

  
@cookiekitty OH. OH WELL. WELL!!!! I KNOW MY ACCOUNT IS GREAT AND ALL BUT HE SHOULD “PRACTICE AS HE PEACH” AS YOU SAY AND NOT USE *HIS* TECH!!

  
@PERIDOT5XG this is gonna be so good omggg peri ur a gift

  
Well yeah, she IS a gift, but she still felt Mr. Smiley probably wouldn’t (shouldn’t) see her being 'brutal’-ly honest. She couldn’t help but feel a bit… unsettled. Maybe afraid? No. No, how could she be afraid of something as silly as this? He wouldn’t even see it. And if he did, no matter, she didn’t care-

  
“EEP!” she screeched as her tablet buzzed to the Camp Pining Hearts theme song (her own arrange, she loved it) that she had been requested to turn off 'or at least change to something that ain’t nightcore’ (whatever that is) so many times by her boss. She unlocked the screen.

  
She nervously browsed the cheep app, which was irrational because it was probably Amethyst again, or Steven or one of her fans. No such luck.

  
Harold Smiley @TheHaroldSmiley  
@PERIDOT5XG

 

Oh stars.

  
She gulped, and ignored the sound of Amethyst flooding her notifications. Surely she could explain this some way, come up with an excuse of some sort-

  
“Hey.”

  
…or maybe she could just lay down to die and finally let all her mistakes catch up to her, and tell them about her day.

  
“I uh, I… Er…” she spewed out nonsense, much to Mr. Smiley’s amusement, until she launched herself to the ground in a weirdl manner that was meant to be apologetic.

  
“Please don’t kill me! Or fire me, that would be worse actually!!”

  
He smiled menacingly, looking down on her, quite literally. “Hmm, I don’t know, you did call me a clod multiple times, Dottie,” he taunted, using that nickname Peridot found so dumb, but came off as threatening in this scenario.  
  


“Please, I’ll do anything!” she cried, distressed at the thought of not being able to purchase that awful DVD of that subpar series she loved so, so much.  
  


“Anything?”

  
“Yes, I mean, I already work for minimum wage and am your only help here so really it would be _your_ loss but, anything!” she cried out, pathetically.

  
He cocked his head slightly. “Change your ringtone.”

 

Son of a dad. He was hitting her where it truly hurt, and though she knew she’d have to concede, it would not be without a fair share of groaning first.

 

“Fine, but I mantain you just can’t appreciate _real_ music when you hear it! I will NOT be censored about this!” she complained as she got up.

 

“Pfft, fine, fine. You can change it to a chiptune or whatever, I don’t mind, just don’t make me listen to that again. Makes me picture deep fried pics for some reason,” he shuddered at the thought, and Peridot supossed she could get it, placing photographs in boiling oil seemed unnecessary and just plain bad.

 

“Anyway, I’m glad that’s solved and we’ll never speak of this again!” she said, already walking away, until Mr. Smiley cleared his throat. Oh gee.

 

“Actually, it’s not. I would actually really apprecciate it if you told me when you have a problem with me to my face. Not just cause it’s, y'know, rude, because I’m also your boss,” he said, suddenly serious but earnest.

 

“I’m kind of responsible for you while you’re here, and I don’t want to be having problems with someone I work with, cause honestly? That sucks. So if you have something to say, say it and we’ll see if we can do something about it. If we can’t, we’ll just have to work around it. Got it?”

 

Peridot staggered a little before replying. She expected to be scolded or to be met with some sort of punishment, but instead he was trying to make things better. _Humans are really weird, but in a good way,_ she thought. “Got it.”

 

He smiled. “Good. Now just to be clear, I’m not saying 'please put my username in front of your cheep when you say rude things about me,’ I’m saying if you got like, constructive complaints or something, let me know.”

 

She nodded. “Understood. Can I give a constructive complaint right now?”

 

“Hit me.”

 

“Why is your ability to apprecciate good music so objectively bad?”

 

“…I think we’re gonna have to define what makes and breaks a constructive comment in a work enviroment,” he said, sighing without being really exasperated, as he continued to explain how actual criticism worked to her.

 

He had to say though, she was right from the start. It could be a pain sometimes but, having someone helping made things easier and to be frank, more fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy guys i'm so sorry it took me uh, six months to upload this but it's here!! i hope you liked it, i'm about to get to the good stuff


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